In a Years Time.

Time heals all wounds.  We’ve all heard that saying time and time again. But it’s so very true. Well maybe time doesn’t heal every wound, there are always scars left behind, however time gives you the opportunity to create new joy as well.

I’ve been sitting here reading my birthday post from last year. It’s been a year. When you really consider it, a year is relatively short when comparing it with an entire lifetime. This past year for me, the entrance into my 30s, felt like a lifetime.

The three months after we lost Shea was all a blur. Sometimes I go back through my texts and re-read the loving and thoughtful things my friends and family wrote to me. How they helped celebrate his due date by sending off surprise balloons. How they checked in on me and made sure I was surviving.  Some I never even responded to. Some I don’t even remember getting in the first place.  Grief is a weird thing. It has a way of taking over your life, but slowly helping you though the other side of it and all those texts and emails helped when I emerged.

Three months after we lost Shea we got a little surprise. I was pregnant again, a little sooner than we planned, but I didn’t care. I told Bryan and we stood in silence. I was worried about the baby and Bryan was worried about me. I didn’t want to tell anyone and let them worry as well. So we waited in silence for 10 weeks before I even told my family. As the weeks went on everything seemed to be Ok. I had lots of checkups and I saw a specialist regularly.

The baby was growing and my body was responding correctly. But oh my goodness how the weeks drug on. At 17 we found out it was a girl. Best moment ever. With my first pregnancy we didn’t want to know the gender. But this time we needed to hear it. Needed to feel a connection. And I was right. When I read those words, “it’s a girl” I finally felt a real connection to this baby and pregnancy.

At 20 weeks the specialist confirmed my cervix was pretty weak and short (old term is incompetent cervix) so I was scheduled for a cerclage and sentenced to bed rest.  The weeks between 20 and 30 were the slowest most dreadful weeks I’ve had. ever. My doctors were constantly giving us the “best case” outcome at each week, trying to prepare us for another pre term labor. At 24 I had steroid shots to help strengthen her lungs. At 28 we reached a huge goal where the outcome of survival was much higher. Then after that we just kept going. Each week I got another progesterone shot, another sonogram, another update and each week I could breath a little easier.

My wonderful friend Mel took maternity pictures of me at 34 weeks. I was still supposed to be on bed rest, so we quickly did a 45 minute shoot and then it was back to the bed I go. (really the couch)

“I highly doubt you go past 35 weeks so be prepared” – That’s what my specialist told me.  Then 35 passed, and 36 passed and out came the cerclage, 37, 38… and on a late Thursday night, at 38 weeks 4 days pregnant my water broke. And this time we were thrilled.  I’d say the one positive to having a weak cervix and a pretty stressful pregnancy – a just shy of 5 hour labor. With the intensity and speedy labor I didn’t have time to worry or overthink. I didn’t have time to relive what my previous labor was like or remember the stillness of the room. This time, there was hustle and bustle and PAIN, really bad pain (but in a good way) and pushing and smiles and hand holding, and dirty looks given to Bryan.  And then the moment. The moment she was laid on my chest. Just like before with Shea, only this time I won’t ever forget hearing the sounds of her cries and seeing her big eyes so curiously taking her new world in.

Olivia Shea Kerr was born on September 5th at 4:40am. Weighing 8 pounds even and 21 inches long.

So I’d say a lot can happen in one year. Obviously saying goodbye to a son and welcoming a daughter were the worst and the best of the year, but I’d say the amount of growth I experienced was just as signifiant as the other two. I’ll never be the same, feel the same or be as carefree in my thoughts as I use to after losing a child, however through that loss not only did we make the most beautiful little girl, I will not ever, for even one day, take for granted how precious life is.

And now since it is 1:30 am and this little one will be waking me up to eat in just a few hours, I’ll be posting her newborn photos tomorrow, or whenever I get a nap after staying up so late!  But they are really cute so you need to come back and see! 🙂